Tuesday, March 10, 2009

R.I.P I'll miss you

Just when I thought it will never happen.
It happened.

She went away looking at peace.
Im glad she looked happy.

Im also glad she doesnt feel the pain of having nurses inject needles into her flesh anymore
That she doesnt need to be confined on the hospital bed, unable to move from all the pain she must have felt.

That little time I spent with her at the hospital meant a whole lot to me
I never did saw her smile for a long time, back when I used to spend a few weeks with her.
But Im glad she did when I was by her side.

Although what I said might mean little, but as long as it got her smiling, nothing else mattered.
I wasnt sure it was time for her, because I never did expect her to go so fast
so soon..

She used to be a very smiley person
She wasnt fussy at all
She would buy me little toys from the roti man
She would drive me together to morning market to go veggie shopping with me
We listened to the evening news together
She would walk me to the park next door just so I can climb those bars
I would crawl beside her at night on her bed.
She would ask me stuff, talk to me, and we would laugh together.
She kept a garden just to keep herself busy
I remember those bougainvilleas.
I remember how she looked when she was snipping away some extra branches.

I remember the times when chinese new year were spent at her house in Seremban
Everyone from all over, will come back on the first day
and the aunties will be helping her cook, while cousins play hide and seek
come dinner, we'll be eating her homecook food, it was so fun
we'll be cleaning up after that, and then came those mahjong sessions
she would join us and she would win off all our little coins
oh man, i miss her

I admit I am not a good granddaugther. I was not there when she was still around.
I never did talk to her when she sat beside me during dinner. Maybe because the thought of her not remembering the next few minutes made me at lost for words. I admit I wasnt a good person. We used to be close last time but I guess we grew apart. But I do miss her. I miss her so much.

For the whole 3days of the funeral, I looked at her peaceful face, and wish she wasnt the one in the coffin. I wish someone would give me the chance to have her again. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could snuggle at her side when I feel alone at night. I wish I was the one who brought her wherever she wanted to go. I wish I could cook and clean for her. I wish she is still alive. I just wish .. she didnt have to go. I wish she didnt have to go for me to want to do all these things. It never occur to me how I used to spent my school holidays with her. It never occur to me that I am one of her closest grandchild.It just never occur to me that she will be gone, that she is gone.

Today was the final day of her funeral, and I saw her for one last time and i miss her. I saw her coffin being placed into the cemetry lot that was hers and how I wish her coffin remained open so that I can see her face every single day. But it was closed and that was the last day for me to do anything for her.

I wish she was able to make it for my wedding.
I wish I get to see her smile when she looked at me in my wedding gown

Everytime I think bout her, I tear.

Oh I miss you poh poh..why did you have to go..

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